Posts in spirituality
The Stakes of the Stake
eight of swords from the wild unknown tarot deck, by kim krans

eight of swords from the wild unknown tarot deck, by kim krans

For how long must we operate in our lives tied to a metaphorical stake? Powerless to move, to take care of ourselves, to free ourselves?

In a recent morning meditation, I began as I usually do - visualizing a golden ball of light floating above my head – my Soul Star. I breathe into this light anything that I’m holding: any negativity, any residue from within my body. Like a super-powerful magnet, it sucks up all of this shadow energy, burns it up and transforms it into Golden Light that I then pour throughout my body.

On that particular morning, I sensed what felt like a wooden stake running the length of my spine. No matter how I tried, I could not breathe this stake into the Light. It remained in my spine, with me tied to it.

Understandably disturbed, I continued with my meditation, grounding myself and attempting to move the energy. Then suddenly, I realized that I was capable of removing what was binding me to the stake. I had had this capability all along.

For how many lifetimes have I allowed myself to be bound in this way? There was no one outside of me attempting to burn me at the stake – not this time.

But I had so internalized this multi-generational message of shame, blame and guilt that I kept myself in that place - further heaping on the negativity and continuing to struggle, belittle and berate myself for the incessantly repeated messages with which I had been indoctrinated so long ago.

It wasn’t until that morning, a few weeks ago, that I recognized that I was capable of untying all of the places where I was bound to this metaphorical stake - this stake that I claimed as a Victim. This stake that I clung to out of familiarity, out of low self-esteem, out of the indoctrinated culture that tells me that I am less than and undeserving.

As the meditation continued, I unbound myself. Then I fell to the ground and wept with the realization that I was free and with the grief over having kept myself in that place for so long, not knowing that I was truly capable of releasing myself.

The release was not an instantaneous process. There remains the slight shadow of this wooden stick in my spine. But I’ve come upon a new vision to transform it. Placing my hands above my head, I pull the stake out, and as I do, the stake transforms into a gleaming sword – a sword that I can brandish fiercely in the face of that which would threaten to replace the bondage of Victimization.

And so I practice. Daily. Slicing into virtual bits the shards of the enemy, Victimization, that threaten my Sovereignty. Beware the enemy that seek to stake a claim to me again!

Dragon Smoke and Still Small Voices
TenThousandWaves.jpg

Like tendrils of smoke from a dragon’s nostrils, the steam rose from the surface of the heated onsen bath. Under the brilliant cornflower blue skies, golden aspens and gnarled pines I sat naked, soaking in the embrace of the warm, healing waters for my morning meditation.

Self-care. Attention to one’s deep soul-longings and desires. Loving one’s self. Feeding the feminine first. It is from this place of homecoming that I wish to walk into the world on a daily basis. It is from this place that I learn to listen to the “still small voice”.

That weekend at Ten Thousand Waves in New Mexico was a gift. The previous weekend, a “work” trip to Ventura, California, ended up being three days spent in the Santa Barbara mountains on a 1400 acre private property at the edge of the National Forest. For three days I was bathed in unconditional love, held by spiritual sisters in an unexpected initiation. The weekend ended with a breakfast in Ojai with a new friend that felt like a homecoming.

Trusting that we are held and that everything unfolds according to Divine plan is such a relief. Knowing that every choice we make will lead us to precisely where we need to be at that moment in time is a relief. We cannot make a mistake, because even our mistakes take us down a path laden with opportunity and learning if we choose to see it that way.

I have so much gratitude for the twists and turns of my life, and as I learn to tune in even more closely to my inner voice, I see and hear every single bit of guidance I need, moment by moment.

Not that I always listen. There are definitely times when the voice of my fear screams so loudly that I cannot hear the small one.

But I am learning to re-center myself. To get still. To ground myself by taking a walk or even just looking up at the sky and really seeing it. It is an exercise of my faith muscle that gets stronger with each repetition. It is opportunities like the gift of those past two weekends where I have the luxury of the time to be more deeply quiet.

On my way out of town on that transformative sojourn to Santa Barbara, I was dictating a text to a friend. Siri spelled her name Tammy, not Tami. My perfectionist self, of course, could not send a text with a typo.

As I picked up my phone at a red light to make the correction, that ever-knowing, ever-present, still small voice said, “Be careful. You’re going to get a ticket.”

As the light changed, the familiar red and blue lights flashed and I had to laugh. Traffic school, here I come.

Answering the Call
in my element…

in my element…

A short while into the New Year, I noticed that I’d been waking almost daily with my hands forming symbols that I had never been taught before – at least not in this lifetime. In February I went to 1440 and found myself forming this mudra while soaking in the hot tub, gazing into the Redwood forest. This all seemed a bit bizarre.

In whispers, I’d asked a number of friends. No one seemed to have any answers. Finally I turned to Google and where I landed was on the site of a Priestess.

I had heard of Priestesses. I had ideas of what I thought they were, but I didn’t really know. Or did I...?

Because there was such resonance with this word, I dove head first into exploration. I immersed myself in every site I could find. So much information - hiding in plain sight. I was surprised that I had never come across any of this before.

As turned out, the woman that had just taught the retreat that I had gone on in Bimini describes herself as a modern-day Priestess. Hmmm...time to pay attention.

This teacher, Adena, pointed me toward her sources of information and (re)education. One of her teachers was hosting a retreat on the Big Island. My heart began to race...

An interview with the leader of the event was required in order to attend. Apparently this intensive was for a rather advanced candidate, but she agreed to speak with me to see if it was a fit. I had had no Priestess experience (again, in this  lifetime) but she wanted me to also meet with her co-leader who happened to live 30 miles from me. So I did.

But apparently, Pele had other ideas. She is pissed – and rightfully so. Pele decided that this retreat – and anything else that had been planned this year for that side of the Big Island was not happening. She had some re-decorating to do!

Certainly I was disappointed at the cancellation of the retreat, but in doing that second interview, I had found my new teacher, Eden. This, was the path. My path. Finally. After so many years of searching.

A year ago Autumn, I had said to my then–boyfriend, “Shit’s about to get weird.” I had no conscious sense of what I was declaring in that moment. But it turns out I was right, at least by conventional standards.

But then in reality, it’s not all that weird. Women have always been healers – many, quite magical and gifted healers. That is what a Priestess is. She is someone who lives, teaches, and alchemically transmits the blessings of the Divine Feminine - of Love - in many, many forms.

And it is powerful stuff – the strength of the Divine Feminine. That’s what freaked men out millennia ago (not to mention hours, days and weeks ago). We have an inherent power that many men don’t understand. They are terrified. They know that a woman standing in her truth, power and alignment is daunting. Out of their fear, we are silenced, shamed, demeaned, raped and killed because of it.

We ALL now see that the time for a shift is long past.

One by one, circle by circle, we are remembering. We are returning to Love, forgiveness, courage and strength. Whether the form is Priestess or Shaman, Political Activist or Actress, our collective voice is growing daily.


We are sisters – and brothers – who are here now to stand up. Speak up. Show up. And heal – withLove.