Posts tagged #metoo
Righting the Upside Down
AmericanGothic.JPG

While the collective world has been being turned upside down, my personal world has been, as well. I mentioned this to a friend recently. Since the first of the year, I ended a three-year relationship, moved 60 miles away to a small town and completely revamped my schedule and care of my teenager. The friend responded that perhaps, instead of being turned upside down, it was being turned right side up.

I had been living in circumstances that were not good for my physical or emotional health. My relationship with my daughter suffered as a result. And I was keeping myself small – both with the (somewhat) unconscious belief that I needed others to take care of me, and with such low self-esteem that I had virtually shut off all potential streams of income with the feeling that I was not worthy.

For six years, I had been relentlessly trying to figure out my next business while endlessly looping the playback of an internalized message that if I succeeded and was (once again) financially successful, I would lose the ones I loved.

At the height of my success in my former business, my wife had asked for a divorce. Without going into the story of why, it is fairly easy to see the imprinting there.

And while I did have success and I did lose my partner – I now know that there was a deeper fear around pursuing my purpose and losing those I loved – a message that I’m just coming to understand the implications of.

As my life has been turning right side up, I am discovering a new and a very old sense of purpose. This purpose goes way deeper than that of making the useful and beautiful products as I had been. While I love my design work and it is essential to nourishing my soul, it is not my greater purpose.

I am here, in this lifetime, to reclaim my SELF. And in doing so I provide a way for my daughter to do the same - and her daughters and sons to come.

As someone who experienced sexual and physical abuse in this lifetime (and others), it is my duty to reclaim my soul essence - the essence that existed before I came into this world, so that others may do the same.

There has been so much said these days about standing up and speaking out about sexual aggression and while I am in no way dismissing such abuse, the deeper lesson here is in the reclamation of self-sovereignty that may have prevented these incidents in the first place.

What I am speaking of here is a universal need for self-sovereignty. If the perpetrators of my abuse and that of the millions of other women and men in the world knew their own self-worth, knew that they were sacred, lovable beings purely because they existed – none of the tragedy that we are experiencing in the world every single day would be happening.

If every terrorist, murderer and rapist (and politician!) felt loved and wanted and cherished as children, they would not have become terrorists, murderers or rapists. And perhaps our politicians would have very different agendas...

But that’s where the fear of standing up comes in – Christine Blasey Ford. ‘Nuf said.

So let’s use this. Let’s let her courage empower us all despite the outcome. Actually, because of the outcome – we all need to stand up in far greater numbers!

Collectively feeling the anger - but allowing that anger to move us to heal with LOVE. This is what we’re ALL really desperate for. Not more anger! Fear and anger is what got us all here in the first place.

It is said that “What serves one, serves all”. As I immerse myself in this journey of discovery and remembrance of that essential self that I abandoned even before birth, I am now birthing a completely new perspective of my essence – rendering it RIGHT SIDE UP. At last.

For me, the process has felt slow and incremental. And yet my understanding and reclamation of my sovereign essence has been making quantum shifts these last nine months.

And as we are All One, this healing, this remembrance, will have a quantum affect in the Universe. May our commitment to healing be amplified a billion-fold.

Jack Johnson had it right about the Upside Down thing. Perhaps he just titled it wrong. It is all a matter of perspective

Ch-ch-ch-Changes
collage.jpg

It’s been more than a year since the Thin White Duke left this realm. And it’s been about as long since I posted here. So much. In the world. In our nation. And in my microcosm.

I’ve released my beloved, my studio and my home in Oakland. So much time spent in the shaken Ball jar of muddy, swirling water. Trying to see clearly when my focus was focused in the wrong direction. Between that and the mud, the time has come to let things settle.

Trust. Free falling into the arms of the Unknown. This is where I find myself. Truly. This is where we all find ourselves at some point if we're willing.

Trusting...

- when we ache inside with the heartbreak of knowing we must release a love – not even fully understanding – but knowing.
- when we are faced with the agony of being called to live in a place a long way away from our child's other parent – but knowing, with the deepest of soul certainty, that she will ultimately benefit (and that we will survive the commute!).
- when we still cannot discern the ultimate plan of the Universe – but knowing that we are supported, and can feel it and have evidence of it.
So much.

We are all being called. Now. To make choices. To pay attention. To know what it is that we do know. That deeper knowing. Our gnosis.

For me, the call is toward sovereignty. Self Sovereignty. A sovereignty that I was denied as a child. As a teenager.

Now, as an adult, I have a choice. Therefore, now, I am the only one denying it.

Wikipedia defines self sovereignty as: the moral or natural right of a person to have bodily integrity and be the exclusive controller of one's own body and life.

As a child who experienced a great deal of physical abuse, as a teenager who was raped in college, as an adult who unconsciously continued to make denigrating choices in an effort to gain love – it is long past time.

I had a great deal of trepidation about writing the above paragraph. I deleted it and added it back again a number of times. But it is, in part, the speaking of these truths that brings me out of this denial. Not in any way to be seen as a victim, but to state the truth. My truth. It is long past time.

The process of reclaiming my sovereignty and making choices that serve the Higher Good by itself is an act of forgiveness. Essential. Self. Forgiveness.

Thus, the focus of Living withMeraki is taking a different tone. It will be one of hope, of reclamation, of joyful re-discovery on this path to self-sovereignty that far too many of us left behind. It is a path of self forgiveness that involves play, insight and a metamorphosis of that relationship to our sensual selves that was distorted and contorted by and for others.

My prayer is that you will be served by the sharing of my experience, strength and hope to come. 

Welcome!