It’s been more than a year since the Thin White Duke left this realm. And it’s been about as long since I posted here. So much. In the world. In our nation. And in my microcosm.
I’ve released my beloved, my studio and my home in Oakland. So much time spent in the shaken Ball jar of muddy, swirling water. Trying to see clearly when my focus was focused in the wrong direction. Between that and the mud, the time has come to let things settle.
Trust. Free falling into the arms of the Unknown. This is where I find myself. Truly. This is where we all find ourselves at some point if we're willing.
- when we ache inside with the heartbreak of knowing we must release a love – not even fully understanding – but knowing.
- when we are faced with the agony of being called to live in a place a long way away from our child's other parent – but knowing, with the deepest of soul certainty, that she will ultimately benefit (and that we will survive the commute!).
- when we still cannot discern the ultimate plan of the Universe – but knowing that we are supported, and can feel it and have evidence of it.
We are all being called. Now. To make choices. To pay attention. To know what it is that we do know. That deeper knowing. Our gnosis.
For me, the call is toward sovereignty. Self Sovereignty. A sovereignty that I was denied as a child. As a teenager.
Now, as an adult, I have a choice. Therefore, now, I am the only one denying it.
Wikipedia defines self sovereignty as: the moral or natural right of a person to have bodily integrity and be the exclusive controller of one's own body and life.
As a child who experienced a great deal of physical abuse, as a teenager who was raped in college, as an adult who unconsciously continued to make denigrating choices in an effort to gain love – it is long past time.
I had a great deal of trepidation about writing the above paragraph. I deleted it and added it back again a number of times. But it is, in part, the speaking of these truths that brings me out of this denial. Not in any way to be seen as a victim, but to state the truth. My truth. It is long past time.
The process of reclaiming my sovereignty and making choices that serve the Higher Good by itself is an act of forgiveness. Essential. Self. Forgiveness.
Thus, the focus of Living withMeraki is taking a different tone. It will be one of hope, of reclamation, of joyful re-discovery on this path to self-sovereignty that far too many of us left behind. It is a path of self forgiveness that involves play, insight and a metamorphosis of that relationship to our sensual selves that was distorted and contorted by and for others.
My prayer is that you will be served by the sharing of my experience, strength and hope to come.